Why love at first sight is a trap

In this age of Disney, many of us have dreamed of that magic moment when Prince Charming meets Cinderella. It plays well in the movies: their eyes meet across the crowded room and…

And yet, have you ever thought that you had found your magic person, started building your happily-ever-after together, only to realise later that perhaps they weren’t the person you thought they were?

If you answered yes, then take heart. You are not alone.

The problem

Most of us can agree that Disney probably does not represent reality very well. They are in the business of selling fairy tales. They know it, and we know it.

The problem is this: Even though we know we have been sold a fairy tale, and that this story probably isn’t going to work in the real world, we don’t know what we are supposed to do instead.

Even when we try to fix it. Even when we know we have chosen the wrong person in the past. Even when we are determined not to make the same mistake again. Somehow these things keep happening. Why? Because we have a blind spot.

How love at first sight blinds us

Ah, the heady rush of falling in love. It’s a wonderful and terrifying experience.

Some of this process will be conscious. However, the larger part of it will be happening at a non-conscious level. These processes operate faster than the conscious mind, and they process information differently. When this part of the mind makes its assessment, we experience it as a feeling, such as: “I like this person,” or “I’m enjoying this.”

How long does this process take? Five minutes? Half an hour? Perhaps we already know before we’ve even spoken to them…

At this point, we are deep in Disney. What does that mean?

When we first meet someone, we don’t know them. We don’t know enough about them to really know if we like them or not. In order to assess a person thoroughly, we need to interact with them for many hours and in many different situations.

Logically, when we first meet someone, we aren’t in a position to be making these assessments with any certainty yet. And yet we do. How are we doing this? We are filling in the blanks with our own fantasy.

In other words: Love at first sight could be called “projecting my fantasy onto another person and falling in love with it.”

That’s wonderful for a few hours. But what inevitably happens is that our fantasy meets reality – and the result is disappointment. Because reality can never be as good as our perfect Disney fantasy.

The solution

Some people get a bit cranky with me when I tell them all this. We want to fall in love. We want to trust our feelings.

Don’t worry. I’m not saying let go of the emotion that you feel. I’m not saying you can’t enjoy that strong chemistry. What I’m saying is: Let go of the fantasy.

1.  Understand that dating is the collision of two worlds.

Have you ever seen a relationship where one partner complains that the other is too emotional, while the other partner complains that the first partner isn’t emotional enough? This is the collision of worlds. We all grew up in an environment that did things a certain way. We assume that this is “how it is done.” But the people living next door do things totally differently.

The more of these assumptions and expectation we have, the more frustration and disappointment we will experience. Spare yourself this misery.

Instead, undertake to negotiate the relationship that is right for both of you. Not by imposing expectations, but by communicating and negotiating.

2.  Give yourself the time to process properly.

Do you remember the days when dating was supposed to take time? Today many people are confused about what the goal is in dating. Should we be trying to sleep together straight away? Should I say I want something casual when I don’t?

Go back to the process of dating. Go old fashioned. Give yourself time to get to know each other by having fun together. Woo each other.

3.  Use your time effectively.

What do you do when you are on the date? Often, we are grateful if we can just have a decent conversation. But that isn’t going to help you make an informed decision.

Think about what you need to know about a person to have a successful relationship. How do they handle conflict? Are they nurturing? Do they get things done? Do they only talk about themselves?

Whatever you notice, see if you can discuss it effectively. See how they respond to this kind of conversation. Are they open or defensive? Are they capable of insight?

4.  Look at behaviour over words.

In the collision of worlds, usually we just want it our way. Even though at a cognitive level we know that we must negotiate a new culture unique to this relationship, the truth is we don’t like change.

At the same time, if the relationship is going to work we are going to have to meet in the middle. This behaviour of meeting in the middle is what counts. Not the words around it.

Some people are great with words and terrible with action. Others are terrible with words, but great with action. Remember: at the end of the day it is action that counts.